


Footfalls Echo Towards the Door

by Zoe Rayne (MontanaHarper)



Series: Footfalls [2]
Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Early Work, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-04-10
Updated: 1998-04-10
Packaged: 2017-10-11 21:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/117085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MontanaHarper/pseuds/Zoe%20Rayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joxer's thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Footfalls Echo Towards the Door

**Author's Note:**

> **AO3 A/N:** This is an example of my very early fanfic. For historical purposes I'm leaving it as it was originally posted, including the summary. Even if a lot of it makes me cringe now.

> Footfalls echo in the memory  
> Down the passage which we did not take  
> Towards the door we never opened  
> Into the rose-garden.  
> \--T. S. Eliot

  
Your darkness and intensity always frightened me, just a little. That never stopped me, though, from wondering what it would be like to lie in your arms, to have those angry eyes look down at me the way they looked at Xena.

But what do I have to offer a god? Nothing that hasn't been offered to you a thousand times before, by men and women ten times the warrior that I am. How do you declare your love to the God of War?

What would Xena say if she knew? She holds the hearts of the two beings I most desire in the world, all without trying. Sometimes I hate her for that. But even while I curse the unfairness of life, I know that Xena and Gabrielle were meant to be together. Soul-mates. And my soul was meant to be alone.

And you... Do you even have a soul?

Iolaus says your counterpart in the Sovereign's universe is the God of Love, so love must exist somewhere within you. Of course, I knew that already. Love and war are two sides of the same coin, flipped randomly by the Fates and acted out by mortals.

But there's no way to have both. The coin turns up love, and my heart aches for you; the coin turns up war, and my hand fights for you.

For you.

I wonder if you even noticed me. Am I just another sword, raised in service to Ares? Or am I an annoyance, one more person working towards Xena's goals and away from yours?

I wish I could offer you what she does. I would be your conquering warlord, if you asked. Or maybe not. Part of me hates the bloodshed, the violence, but another part of me wants only to serve you, at whatever cost. You frighten me and yet you fascinate me.

I play the fool because it's easier, but I'm not the bungler I appear to be. Naive maybe, and less-than-graceful, but my mind works as well as anyone's. Better than some. So I understand what it is to say that I desire your touch, that I want so desperately to feel your body pressing up against my own. I have no illusions about what it would mean to be lover to Ares.

But it would be worth it.

Whenever you appear, my heart pounds and my breath nearly refuses to come and go from my chest. Your arrogant stance, the set of your jaw, your menacing gaze and dark-lashed eyes—all these things tie my stomach in knots and set a fire burning hotly within me. A fire that mere water could never extinguish.

You move with an animal grace that I envy as well as admire. When you speak, your voice holds faint echoes of thunder and earthquakes, not letting me forget for a second that you are a god. And I'm just a mortal.

I wondered for awhile if your allure was merely in the danger that you represent. But Xena is dangerous and she holds no appeal for me. Draco could have killed me where I stood—at least before his love for Gabrielle changed him—yet my only feeling towards him is sympathy for his plight. Unrequited love.

It's a familiar wound.

I tried to go away, to stray from Xena's side. I hoped the pain would fade along with the memory of your face, but I didn't count on your intrusion into my dreams. So I'm back to being Xena's pet and Gabrielle's jester.

At least this way I have the hope that someday you will see inside me, notice the fire that rages for you and take pity on me. And perhaps I can more easily bear seeing what I cannot have, because that merest taste, that slightest touch, is better than nothing at all.


End file.
